STILL ON PATROL

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Being an Irishman my own self (County Antrim is from whence my ancestors emigrated to America), I'll be wishing you a Happy St. Patrick's Day, and share a few stories to brighten your day:

A good friend of mine and I were at Keeneland, the local racetrack here in Lexington, last fall, and not doing well at all on our picks.  We had met an Irish priest, over here to visit some relatives in the horse business, who was doing quite well, so we decided to watch him and see if we could divine his secrets.  Before the 4th race, we saw Father Murphy looking closely at one particular horse, make the sign of the cross, and then place his wager.  The horse won!  Before the 5th race, the same thing happened!  Two races had us convinced, so we waited until Father Murphy chose a horse for the 6th race and then ran to the betting window to win our fortune. 

They went to the post in the 6th, and our horse broke in good position.  He looked good at the first turn, but on the backstretch began to waiver.  He made one great lunge at the head of the stretch, and fell stone-dead.  We wandered back to the saddling paddock, grumbling as we tore up our tickets, when Father Murphy's cousin, a groom at Ashford Stud, asked what was wrong.  We told him and he smiled and said, "Ah, me lads, you'll be needing to figure out the difference in Father Murphy blessin' a horse, and givin' him his last rites."

Then there's this legal story, one of my favorites:

Lawyer: 'At the scene of the accident, Mr O'Shea, did you tell the Garda officer that you had never felt better in your life?'

O'Shea the farmer: 'That's right, sir.'

Lawyer: 'Well then, Mr O'Shea, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's car hit your cart?'

O'Shea the farmer: 'When the Garda arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Darcy, my dog, who was badly hurt, and shot him.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'  I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say: 'I've never felt better in my life.'

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

The Rt. Rev. Darth Vader

A tip o' my kepi to Stand Firm for bringing this photo to our attention.

This is way too funny.  So many captions, so little time.  Has Lord Vader converted to Anglicanism?  Or, is he herding the Anglicans to the Death Star?  Perhaps he has confused "The Force" with TEO's "new thing"?  Or, is it "Look At Me" Gene Robinson's latest ploy to grab attention?  Nah, can't be Gene - he hasn't turned toward the TV camera to give an interview.  I think Lord Vader's still looking for ObiWan Kenobe among all those robes - ObiWan did wear a white robe, remember?  Or maybe Han Solo and Chewbacca are hiding under some of those robes, or at least Lord Vader mistook the ABI's eyebrows for the Wookie's hairy coat.

I know, I know - the P.O. has finally found some vestments that match her personality!  "Off with the oven mitt!  Forge the crozier and hand me my light saber!  Those orthodox "rebels" will learn not to oppose the power of the dark side!"

Johnson Does It Again

And I had the temerity to think the church bulletin stuff I posted earlier was funny, which it is, but if you want to read one of the best things I've seen in a long time, trot on over to the MCJ and read Mr. Johnson's latest Meet the Press interview, this time with +Rowan Williams.  I will not say anything more other than you will never think of certain vegetables in the same light again.  Oh, and don't have anything in your mouth or liquids nearby your keyboard as you read......

http://themcj.com/3624#Comments

A Little Church Humour

With all of the seriousness, anger, and controversy surrounding not just the Episcopal Church, but so many denominations, we could all use a little bit of humour from church bulletins.  These are real.  Some are also probably even Episcopalian.  (Thanks to my wife, Corinne, for passing these along.)

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus."
------------------------------------------- -----------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
-------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
------------- ----------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
-----------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days!
------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
------- -----------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
----------------------------------- -------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
----------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
----------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
---------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
------------------ ---------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
-----------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!

Ghost in the Plumbing?

My firm is in the midst of renovating our offices in Lexington.  Thankfully, they got my floor out of the way first and we are done with hearing those tools that contractors use in high-rise buildings that sound like dentists' drills on steroids.  Some of our days under construction my teeth literally hurt in sympathy by the time I would go home.

As part of the renovation our restrooms were really upgraded with marble counters, new chrome fixtures, and slate-like floors.  We also got those new toilets that have the electric eye which decides when you're done and automatically flushes.  Since I do my best thinking in the last stall I tend to spend a part of each day in there meditating on the issues with which I'm dealing.  I have come to think, perhaps, these electric toilet flushers are more than meets the eye.

There are some occasions I have observed when the flusher hasn't flushed.  Why is this?  Is it simply a malfunction in the new plumbing?  Or is the fixture somehow making a value judgment that the person who was there is so insubstantial that it does not acknowledge their existence nor their offal?  It would be quite rare for any lawyer to be so transparent that a toilet fixture would not recognize his existence, I think, but this has me mystified.  With my size, no electric toilet has ever missed me, confirming that I do, indeed, exist.

On other occasions, when I am quite sure I am alone in the room, one of the other toilets will spontaneously flush, leaving me to wonder if I've been sharing space with some sort of apparition. I have heard no footsteps, but the toilet discharges as if someone were there. The building across the street is the one where a stuntman was killed filming the movie "Steel," but given the past dealings of some of the tenants in this building, there may be some haunts running amuck here, too.  Is the new plumbing capable of detecting the presence of spooks or haints?  Seems so.  "Ghostflushers?"

This obsession with plumbing is getting bad.  I observed to a fellow reenactor earlier this year that someone needed to invent a computer chip which would make a flushing noise when one is finished with a porta-potty, to provide "closure."  My friend suggested I had been sniffing too much black powder.

Maybe my obsession has something to do with so many things around us seeming to go down the drain.  Anyway, next time you're around some of these automatic toilets, watch them.  There may just be a ghost in your plumbing, too.    

Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone....

I quote from an old Roy Clark classic to celebrate the end of Rosie O'Donnell's reign of terror on TV's "The View" this past week.  Her denouement was a nasty spat she picked with Elizabeth Hasselbeck over whether Hasselbeck should have "defended" Rosie over comments which had been interpreted as Rosie calling U.S. Soldiers in Iraq the equivalent of "terrorists".  O'Donnell, who described herself as "big, fat, loud, lesbian Rosie" in the course of the on-air, split-screen argument, subsequently ended her tenure even earlier than had been planned.

O'Donnell was once a decent stand-up comedienne, and did a little decent move work such as playing third base in "A League of Their Own".  Since some TV idiot gave her a talk show of her own, however, she has become increasingly shrill and increasingly obnoxious in her picking fights with other celebs and seeking the ever-present spotlight by being "big, fat, loud, lesbian Rosie".  This trait initially showed itself with her vicious ambush of Tom Selleck over NRA membership, who was innocently on her show to tout his HBO movie "Eisenhower".  Her blood lust for picking fights to push her uber-liberal causes spiraled downward from there to this recent low.

I have never been a "The View" viewer, but I could never understand Barbara Walters' choice of O' Donnell to replace a class act like Meredith Viera.  Other than being "big, fat, loud, lesbian Rosie", she has no talent and no attraction to anyone who seeks intelligent discourse on any subject.  Walters has been publically making nice with O'Donnell, but at some level of professionalism she has to be appalled.  Big advertising revenues have surely been a salve to producer Walters, however, as people tuned in much as they do to watch auto racing, awaiting the next big crash. 

Anyway, here's to O'Donnell being gone from a regular TV spot, and here's my hope she never returns, although given the overall trashy and inept programming crowding the airwaves, no doubt she'll be back soon.

ADDENDUM #1  O'Donnell has stated to the media that she will not speak to Elizabeth Hasselbeck again.  Rumour has it that Hasselbeck and QB husband Tim Hasselbeck are planning to celebrate her now being the luckiest person in New York media circles.  Donald Trump and others have calls in to Hasselbeck to find out how she accomplished this feat.

ADDENDUM #2  Media sources say both CBS and NBC have made overtures to O'Donnell to host her own one-hour daytime chatfest.  CBS has reputedly offered between $18-22 million.  And these are the same people who fired Don Imus?  Shame, shame, shame.

ADDENDUM #3  O'Donnell's comment which set this off was "65,000 Iraqis are dead.  Who are the terrorists?"  Out of the mouth of nearly anyone else, this could be interpreted as a criticism of Iran, Syria, sectarian militias, etc., but with Rosie's track record we know who she meant, her later protestations notwithstanding.  What was there for Hasselbeck, or anyone else, to defend in this statement?

It's the Big 5-0

Monday, May 28, 2007, will mark my passage into my sixth decade as I turn 50.  I will defer to others who are much more objective in their observations of me to comment on whether I do so with equanimity, or whether I have exhibited signs and symptoms of mid-life crisis.  I do admit that I have pondered this milestone far more than I did reaching 40, which probably has a lot to do with my nearly not reaching 50 due to serious illness and prolonged hospitalization in 2003. 

As I cross the half-century mark I will say that I am as determined as ever to not depart this mortal coil with any regrets for things I didn't try.  This blog represents one of my ventures into writing, which even with the slow numbers of readership so far has become a marvelous outlet for me.  You will find my various other forms of insanity on here - Civil War history, cooking, and so on.  If you read this and like anything I have to say in my 80+ posts so far, send this link to your friends, and spread the word, please.  Also, let me know by your comments whether you agree or think I am full of it - either way, I'd like to know.  Stick with me, too - I hope this will only get better.  I suspect much of this weekend will be spent with Bacchus to ease my passage into the 50's, so don't expect much until next week. 

A Darwin Award Aspirant

An 18-year old man in Lake Luzerne, N.Y. is apparently an early aspirant to one day be nominated for a Darwin Award.  Damion Mosher had been putting .223 caliber bullets in a vise and striking them on the primer with a hammer and screwdriver to discharge the bullet so he could turn in the brass casings for scrap at about $1.70 per pound.  Almost 100 of the bullets had "fizzled" according to local police, but the last one fired, ricocheted and struck Mosher in the abdomen.  The bullet barely penetrated and Mosher will be fine.  http://www.poststar.com/articles/2007/05/14/news/latest/doc464897a706550311043248.txt .

Fortunately for Mr. Mosher, he was not killed and is thus ineligible for a Darwin nomination.  The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who accidentally remove themselves from it...  http://darwinawards.com/darwin/ . Genius like this, however, promises to make him a potential Darwin nominee in the future if he has not learned from this episode.